Archive for the 'Eff This' Category

Not Helpful

The other day I was at the bank, and in the corner there was a young woman sitting at a table that was covered in leaflets and posters.  One glimpse of the situation immediately told me that I probably wanted to avoid whatever she promoting.  There was no question she was soliciting for, or selling something.  As I scurried out of the bank after I had completed my business, she brightly said to me, "Excuse me, Ma’am?  Excuse me!"  When I realized I had no reasonable way to ignore her, I reluctantly gave her my attention.  She continued, "Would you like to help missing children?"

Come on. 

I actually said, "no".

And now I feel bad.  I’m sorry missing children.  I do want to help you.  I just didn’t want to help her. 

I’m Cranky

Just thought you should know.

I am a Badass

I have an old-fashioned bike that I use to scoot around Buffalo. It is old and heavy, but I look kind of cute on it, and it gets me where I need to go. Because I don’t have a garage, I have to lock my bike up behind my building, which I don’t mind except for when I get home at night. There is something about the back of my building that freaks me out. It’s all locked up, and I’m sure it’s safe, but still, I get the creepers when I am in the backyard in the dark. Remember when you were a little kid and you didn’t like going in the basement? It’s like that back there. So, when I when I come home in the dark on my bike, I usually lock it up at a nearby business with a bike rack, and transfer it to the backyard the next day.

But sometimes I forget.

Sometimes, I leave my poor little bike locked up on a busy street for days at a time. I just got home from a week long trip to Minnesota, and my bike was parked on the street the entire time, which is pushing it, even for me. I pretty much deserve to have my bike stolen, which is why when I saw last night that it hadn’t been stolen, I was quite pleased. The plan was to wait until this morning and transfer it to the backyard, where it belongs.

Well, last night I was in my car, looking for a parking space, and I saw two kids trying to steal my bike. I happened to drive by at the exact moment they had the pruner/bike lock clipper thingy out! With a burst of uncharacteristic bravery, I slammed on the brakes, opened my car window and yelled, “That’s my bike!” at the thugs. Oh, they tried to intimidate me, but I was not scared (I was on a busy street in full view of several people). I whipped out my cell phone and threatened to call the cops if they didn’t step away from my bike right this instant. They had no choice but to flee in the face of my unstoppable fury! It was awesome. I saved my bike and I realized that I am a HERO!

You can call me, “Kate, Awesome Defender of Bikes”, from now on.

Bike Saved

Holy Mother of God

So, I’m tooling around the internet, and I go to one blog, and then I click to another blog, and then follow a link that promises "the most disturbing thing ever", which leads me to a photography company that specializes in digitally enhancing head shots for child beauty pageant contestants….and it is in fact, the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen.  The site is just shot after shot of little girls, dressed like adults, in full make-up, and then airbrushed within an inch of their lives.  I, of course, look at the whole site, alternately vomiting and laughing hysterically. 

I am not linking to the site here, because it’s that wrong, but I do want to share my "favorite" photo.  I figure that the child in question was too young to have been permanently damaged by the photo shoot that lead to this picture.  I have no doubt that in time, this young girl’s happiness will be ruined by her insane mother, but as of the taking of this photo, she is still an innocent baby.

Are you ready?

Scroll down, and behold.

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creepy baby

Words fail me.

I mean, how do you even get a baby to make this expression?  Her mouth is saying, "I’m a happy baby!", but her eyes (dear God, those terrible eyes) are saying, "This bow on my head is so effing embarrassing.  I can’t believe that crazy bitch pierced my ears.  Save me."  

Breath In, Breath Out……

Heeeeel-looo abandoned interwebs!    I have been a very delinquent blogger.  Just terrible.  You should all demand your money back.

Well, my computer is back (minus all data) but it still isn’t working properly.  None of the applications open and it’s just a big fat computery mess.  Hopefully they will fix everything at the Apple Store tomorrow, but at this point I am not too hopeful.  I have been utterly humbled by this computer problem, and sadly, I no longer have any expectations that my less-than-a-year-old MacBook will survive this ordeal.  It is only a matter of time before I toss it across the room.  Computer/Kate relations are severely strained, to say the least.

This intermediate level of “half-working” is somehow more frustrating that the blank screen my computer offered last week.  Dealing with my current computer is like dealing with an enraged three-year-old human.  Things will be going along fine until I make one suggestion it doesn’t like the sound of, and then all hell breaks loose.  Last week my computer was a complete vegetable.  Useless, but docile.

Woe is Kate

I am out of the woods and back in Buffalo! Hooray!

That is the extent of the good news.

The bad news is that my computer has experiencd some sort of full hard drive melt down. Now, ordinary, responsible adults back up their hard drives, but not me. No, siree, I live on the edge. Because of my careless disregard for “backing-up”, I have lost every single piece of data on my computer. All pictures taken since I purchased my computer? Gone. The donut hole movies? Gone. My hilarious journal? Gone. The love poetry to Chris Drury? Gone. (I’m just kidding about that one. I never actually commited those poems to a physical document.)

Oh For Fun! will stand as singular proof of my existance from October 2006 until now.

I will not have a comuter for a few days. (I am writing this post in an Apple Computer Store.) Physically, I am out of the woods, but digitally, I’ve never been father away. Please, let this be a lesson to you. Back up your hard drive. Do it often. I am lucky as I have no pictures of growing children, or half finished novels on my now defunct computer. This would be truly devestating if I had more on my computer than photoshopped pictures of flying cats, and dancing donut-holes.

People of Oh For Fun, learn from me. My data has died, so that your data may live.

Eff This

Fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK! Fuuuuuuuck Frickity fuck fuck.

Aaaaah.

I have a confession to make.  When I started Oh For Fun, I made a conscious decision not to use the word "fuck".  Now, this is a slightly odd line to draw because although I try not to swear in front of babies and old people, in real life I don’t really censor myself in the potty mouth department.  When a situation calls for a hearty, "FUCK THAT", I am not shy about getting the job done.  I feel that swearing, while not attractive or good per se, is also not the worst thing in the world.  But still, I saw no reason to use the F-word on my blog, and I knew I had a few people reading who might not be aware of all of my heathen ways, so I decided to take the ladylike route and refrain from dropping the F-bomb in a blog for all the world to see.

When I first started Oh For Fun, I found the word "Eff", (particularly when spelled out e-f-f) to be sufficiently amusing to replace "fuck".  For awhile, I actually preferred "eff" to its more colorful counterpart, but time has been rough on my once beloved "eff".  I’m sick of eff.  It’s no longer amusing.  Everytime I use the word "eff" I feel stifled and I think to myself, "Fuck, eff."

So, today I cast aside the shackles of eff.  Hence forth (and from now on), "Fuck" is fair game here at Oh For Fun.  I can no longer live a lie.