Sigh. The fabulous Matt has alerted me to the disheartening fact that Showtime is making a TELEVISION show of This American Life (angrily shaking fist at sky). You know what this means? It means that Alex Blumberg is going to be an actual sort-of-star. My plan is ruined.
Just in case you forgot, the plan was this:
Eventually, Alex Blumberg googles himself and finds this website. Intrigued, and amused by my quirky aplomb, he contacts me via email. I send him a wickedly charming reply and he realizes that there might be an interesting radio piece here- something about googling your own name, or blogs, or blah blah blah, it really doesn’t matter. The point is, he’s hooked- hooked on a feeling, and my wacky (but oddly alluring) internet stylings. After our wildly popular TAL segment hits the air, we realize that what we thought was a funny little blog/radio bit, might be the start of something…beautiful. We start cautiously dating (it’s a bit tricky because he is in Chicago and I’m in Buffalo). The distance thing is hard, but we make it work, because our love is real and true and good. About a year after we meet, just when the long distance situation is starting to become unbearable- I get into the Chicago Symphony!!! Hurray! The funny thing is, I don’t even tell him I’m auditioning because I don’t want him to get his hopes up- BUT I WIN THE CHICAGO SYMPHONY AUDITION. The night of the audition, I take him out to dinner and surprise him with the news. There is a lots of crying and kissing and joyfulness, which all culminates in him pulling a ring out of his pocket and proposing. You see, he had been planning on proposing all along. We get married in a small civil ceremony, and later we adopt a few public-radio-supporting Chinese daughters.
It is a tale as old as time. Foolproof.
But NOW, he is going to be on television. And he’s moving to New York City. And the more successful he becomes, the more will be written about him, and the less likely it is that he will google himself. The worst part is that he might acquire females fans other than myself. My plan only works if the plan itself is unique. If there are other women doing this, well, then my plan is just sad. Sad and a little bit stalkery.
This plan was born out of the idea that imaginary (at least to me) men are somehow more appealing and less nerve wracking than the men that I actually know. Sadly, now that my imaginary man is poised to be a bonafide intellectual heartthrob, I am far less attracted to him. It’s just not the same. True to life, when it comes to imaginary men, I lose interest at the first sign of competition from another woman. I just don’t enjoy cat fights. If Alex Blumberg can’t see me for the goddess that I am, well, he is clearly not the man for me. If Alex Blumberg is sooooo dazzled by all of the other women who are writing about him on their blogs in the hopes that he will one day google himself and consequently fall in love with them, that he can’t recognize real love when he sees it?- well then he is not the man I thought he was. The Alex Blumberg I (don’t really) know would never be so shallow as to fall for the clever trappings of the wrong woman.
The plan is ruined.
So thanks A LOT Showtime.
ps- I would like to state for the record that until this morning I was totally unaware of Showtime’s dastardly plan to turn This American Life into a television show. If Alex Blumberg does in fact become an intellectual heartthrob, I would like to be credited as the first woman in America to recognize him as such.